I really don’t know where to even start. One thing I know for sure is that my 13-year-old me is heartbroken. Every moment passes, and more memories from the past keep flashing by. From my teenage self fangirling hard to my friends and I running to our local store to buy the latest posters/ merch, and of course when new One Direction videos dropped.
The moment when my co-worker said, ‘ Liam Payne passed away’ on Oct 17 (NZ) around 10.45am, I literally had to stop what I was doing and hear her repeat those words again because I could not comprehend those four words put together. I thought I misheard her.
After she repeated, I quickly googled ‘Liam Payne’ cause no way that was happening. But there it was, TMZ, BBC, and all the news outlets confirming it. I was in complete shock. I still had four more hours until I finished work, but I could not stop but feel really heavy, and empty. The initial feelings weren’t sad, it was just this dark hollow uneasy feeling. The weather was gloomy, my mind was confused, it just felt surreal.
From being a huge directioner and a former Liam Girl, to then not really keeping up to date with their solo careers, there was this huge gap, and perhaps cause of that I wasn’t sure how I felt, or how I was meant to feel at that very moment.
Working after that bad news was a struggle.
After I went home, I was just on TikTok for HOURS, and you can already imagine how my FYP was looking. Girls and guys aged similar to me posted their reactions, them telling their friends/ family and their reactions. The ‘wtf look’ followed by a quick google and just being in complete shock. Some were in tears, and some in disbelief.
And as I see more of the old videos, and edited videos of the boys on TikTok, it suddenly hits me hard.
Liam Payne really passed away. It really felt like a piece of me broke, and suddenly I was filled with sadness.
All the old 1D videos and moments resurfacing on my feed brought back all the memories from my teenage years. After a few hours of scrolling, I knew I needed to take a breather. I opened Spotify, searched One Direction, and hit play. By the second song, I was crying. Sitting there, I wished I could be back home, where all my 1D posters, magazines, albums, and merch were. I wanted to mourn with the friends and family I grew up fangirling with. But here in New Zealand, far from home, I felt that distance even more.
As Directioners, since Zayn left the band and the hiatus started, we’ve always dreamed of that one reunion - OT5 forever. When the boys reacted positively to the reunion question, I always got excited no matter how old I was. Being among the directioners and singing word to word to all the songs, was a dream I always had.
It’s been 8 years 8 months since the hiatus, and I always believed that the boys would reunite one day for us, that hope never faded until that night on Oct 17 (NZ) when it hit me that our Payno boy is really no more.
I never got to see 1D live, never got to sing along with them in person. And now, I never will.
Someone on TikTok wrote ‘we’re finally getting a reunion of the boys at Liam’s funeral’ and that really broke me.
To be honest, when a celebrity I’ve known has passed away before, I’ve felt sad about their passing, but this time it was different. I was really confused, as to why Liam’s death made me cry, and feel so heavy, empty, sad even after not being a huge fan in the last decade. And then I saw someone on TikTok explaining that these boys were a huge part of our childhood, and they were once everything for our teenage self, and that made sense.
The fact that just a decade ago - for all our teenage years, these boys, Liam, Niall, Zayn, Harry, and Louis meant the whole world to us. They brought so much joy to us. I was 13 when I first discovered them, and I was 18 when they went on a hiatus.
We know their birth dates, their favourite colours, and their family members. We spammed them on Twitter for a follow-back, learned all their lyrics, and celebrated 1D day every year. We repped our merch, always looked out for new merch and got every single poster that was dropped. We read fanfics and imagined that was gonna be us one day. The classic ‘pretend to not know the members at an airport’ and eventually fall in love.
These boys really meant a lot to us. They were special.
The next day Oct 18, when the official @onedirection IG page posted and wrote ‘We Love You Liam - Louis, Zayn, Niall & Harry’, seeing Zayn’s name too got me so emotional.
Right after, I read Louis’ message to Liam, tears on my face fell like a waterfall. I don’t like crying in front of people but at that point, I didn’t even care if I was at work.
Not long after, Zayn posted, and yup sis cried. At that point I was like where is my bereavement leave, cause this is getting hard.
And Harry, Niall, Cheryl, Kate, everyone’s emotional tribute came one after another. I can’t even imagine how hard it’s been for the boys, Liam’s parents, his sisters, his lil boy Bear, his girlfriend Kate, and everyone who knew him and loved him. My heart feels for them.
Dear Directioners,
This entire thing that we’re feeling right now may feel so foreign/ different. It’s my first time too. A decade ago, we were like one big family in this fandom, and I’m grateful we’re coming together again to navigate this grief. Seeing everyone on my TikTok being vulnerable has helped me feel like my emotions are valid. You might feel like no one around you understands how you feel, or that you’re being dramatic. YOU’RE NOT. I too wish my friends and my sister who I grew up fangirling hard with were me here, so we could mourn together, but life is that way and sadly everyone is in different countries. Despite the long distance, it’s been great to get in touch via Facetime or socials and ride this wave of emotion together. Reminiscing about those old days, our love for Liam and the boys has been helping me for sure.
If you’re reading this and you feel like no one around you understands you, I just want to tell you that what you are feeling is absolutely valid. It’s really okay to cry, to feel sad, to feel everything that you’re feeling, and take your own time to grieve. Liam was a huge part of our childhood, and we just lost him. It definitely feels like losing a part of our childhood. Please take care of yourselves and I’m sending big virtual hugs to you.
Dear Liam,
Thank you for all the fond memories you gave me throughout my teenage years. You made our days, you made us smile, and you gave us our favourite songs, albums, memories and beautiful friendships. Thank you for being the glue of 1D, our Daddy Directioner. Your voice, smile, eyes and your laughs will forever be remembered. I hope you can see how much you really meant to all of us and the boys. I hope you can read the messages from your brothers. We love you Payno, you’re a legend and your legacy will live on. We miss you! Rest easy.
