OPINION: Liam Payne’s death came as a dagger to the heart.
Those of us who have been fans since the start have found his death to be alarmingly painful. It’s new territory we’re struggling to navigate as a generation because we’ve never quite been here before and definitely didn’t expect to be this soon.
We are three girls - Clara, Sophie and Maddy - whose lives at one point or another revolved around what Liam had built along with Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson and Zayn Malik.
We are mourning. Mourning the loss of not only a talented and widely loved artist, but someone with who we, at times, felt a genuine connection.
But how do you grieve for someone you love from a distance? And why has this been so painful for so many fans?
Clara
As someone who poured my heart and soul into a One Direction Tumblr throughout my formative teen years, it felt like the death of my adolescence.
I mourn for the guy Liam was when I was 13. Headstrong, confident, and known as the ‘Dad’ of the group. I mourn for his son, Bear. I mourn for who Liam could’ve been if he had gotten help, or if he had never gotten famous.
I was a Harry girl, my best friend Hannah was a Liam girl, and our lives revolved around this boy band. I would stay up until 4 am and wait for music video premieres, create fan edits, and eagerly do everything I could to support the boys.
In a way, my investment in One Direction took me away from the struggles I faced during my school years, and reflecting now, I couldn’t be more grateful for that distraction.
The online community I found in that fandom was a form of comfort. Having over 5,000 followers after creating the account back in 2011, I got to know so many people from all over the world, bonded together by our love of these five boys from the UK.
Sophie
As a dedicated Directioner from the age of nine - when the band first formed on 2010’s ‘The X Factor’ - Liam’s death didn’t feel real. It still doesn’t.
The silence that struck in the room as the news broke, spoke volumes!
Honestly, I think I’ve been in denial for the past 48 hours, refusing to accept the reality of it all. I can’t let go of something that has helped shape who I am today, and I know I’m not alone in that.
Liam and the rest of One Direction have been a pillar in my life for more than half of it.
With the heart-wrenching news, the hope for the reunion that Liam had been dreaming of for years is now officially off the table. With that realisation, I truly have felt a sense of loss that is hard to describe.
It’s not just a celebrity death, it’s the loss of millions of young girls and boys' childhood comfort that makes this all the more crushing.
Those boys, including Liam - who Louis has since described as “the most vital part” part of the band - weren’t only there for our imaginary life struggles we made up in our heads through their lyrics, but also the real ones we faced as we grew with them.
I turned to their music through a recent hardship I’ve faced in my adult life and reconnected to what I consider a close comfort and feeling of home. Knowing what One Direction meant to Liam and how he shared the same hopes we had of returning to the good ol’ days, has created an indescribable pain.
Having a big ol’ unashamed cry and bonding with other die-hard fans has been a very therapeutic way to digest Liam’s death. Once again, I feel comforted by what Liam, Harry, Niall, Louis, and Zayn created together - not just as a group, but as individuals.
Maddy
As rough as being an 11-15-year-old girl is, I always look back on that era of my life with such fond memories, purely because of my love for the biggest boy band in the world. Thinking back to that time in my life, it never seemed like liking One Direction was the “Cool” thing to do.
Already feeling like the world is against you at that age, could have felt super isolating - in reality, it was anything but that. The community of Directioners was fierce and like nothing I have seen since.
Learning the news that Liam had passed was gut-wrenching. As the hours went by I mourned the Liam who helped me get through the tough teenage years. I couldn’t help but be transported to the similar feeling that I felt on March 25th 2015 when Zayn left the band.
I can’t speak for the rest of the fandom, but that for me was when One Direction was over, the borderline obsession I had subsided that day and a small part of little Maddy broke. Like in 2015, the world stopped for a second when I saw the headlines on Thursday.
Suddenly, I was 14 again, sitting in my poster-covered room. I fought hard to hold back tears and get through my work, but the rest of the day was spent mourning both Liam and my younger self.
Today, I wish I could relive those simple years when my biggest worry was getting up for school at 7 a.m. while One Direction dropped a new music video in the early hours. Remembering 1D Day, which was eight hours long, while we had just enough Wi-Fi for five. Or staying up until sunrise chatting with fellow Directioners across the globe.
Those years shaped who I am today, giving me the confidence to be myself and the passion to love something without fear of judgment - and that’s exactly what I’ll remember.
We all individually have those special moments that shape our lives, but it’s the shared experiences with Liam and One Direction that we will have forever.
We’ll always have this collective group, that can unashamedly connect and relate over loving the same group of boys who were just thrown into fame and became household names.
If you haven’t already, take this as a reminder to check on your mates.
“How can I forget someone who gave me so much to remember?” - Liam Payne ‘Remember’.
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