Relationships can be hard to navigate at the best of times, let alone if you’re constantly asking yourself whether yours is a healthy one.
Love Better has made it their mission to help Kiwis tackle those messy questions we often find ourselves asking in relationships with Love Creep - a website to help us figure out whether our experiences are truly about love or if they’re creeping into “unhealthy” territory, particularly when it comes to control.
“Control is stealthy, it sneaks up on us, but the signs are there if you know where to look,” an article on the site reads.
That’s why we brought in Health Promoter and relationship advisor Hadley Taylor to join our very own Randy and Desch on the Mai Homerun.
He’s here to share insights on how to recognise potentially harmful relationship behaviours and foster safe, equal, and positive conversations.
Hadley reckons all relationships should be loving, free, and enjoyable - but that’s not always the case.
What makes him an expert is his ability to equip people with the tools to recognise when something’s off and how to make a relationship thrive.
We all watch rom-com movies - some more than others, ahem, Randy and Desch - and we come away from them thinking it’s the be-all end-all of what a relationship should be.
“The blueprint”, as Desch puts it. But obviously IRL, it’s a little bit different.
How do we identify a healthy relationship vs a toxic one?
It might be a disappointing answer, but Hadley says it’s ultimately “down to your gut”.
“You need to ask yourself, ‘How do I feel in this relationship?’ and compare that to how you feel when you’re by yourself,” he explains.
“What do you like? What are you into? What brings you happiness? If you know all those things about yourself, it’s so much easier to bring them into a relationship, talk with your partner, and negotiate or navigate those things - especially if there’s going to be any differences that come up.”
Having trust is a biggie. “Having that space where we can say, ‘Hey, this might be a tough thing’ or ‘I don’t feel great about this,’ and knowing your partner’s going to have that love and respect for you,” Hadley says.
What are some red flags in a relationship?
“Your partner might make you feel small, or you might feel like you’re controlled, always asking for permission - those would be some of those things.”
Love Creep explains that control can be dressed up in all sorts of ways, whether it be as love or as concern, but paying attention to that gut of yours, trusting your instincts, creating clear boundaries or even asking yourself if the relationship is serving you any good are all ways to address these red flags.
If you do decide it's time to walk away, Love Better has heaps of resources on how to deal with making that decision and what comes next.
Patterns of behaviour
Hadley reckons “there should be an equal power dynamic” to make sure both partners feel comfortable when those tricky conversations come up.
If you’re wondering what makes a good relationship vs. a bad one, Hadley assures you “there’s no good guys and bad guys".
“Everyone, I think, is capable of having a good relationship, but it’s about working out, how can I have that equal power dynamic?”
It’s about building a relationship based on freedom and open conversation rather than fear and control.
Opening the space for conversation and trust
A huge breakthrough in a healthy relationship is asking yourself what you are doing to make your partner feel more comfortable opening up to you.
“What are we doing to equal that power balance?” Hadley says to ask yourself. “Or what are we doing that other people might actually consider a red flag?”
Giving a great example, Hadley explains jealousy.
“It’s natural to get jealous; it’s a feeling, right?” He says acknowledging that we need to be cool with having feelings - the good and the ugly.
But jealousy isn’t an excuse to always need to know where your partner is or have access to their phone or social media accounts.
“It sounds like there’s not a lot of trust in that relationship,” he points out.
Hadley explains that a relationship can have trust and still have moments of jealousy, but when that jealousy turns into a need for control, that’s when it becomes “unhealthy.”
Accepting feedback from your partner
Let’s be real, NOBODY likes to be called toxic. But sometimes, even if it stings, we need to know how to take it.
The good news is that Hadley reckons “no person is toxic, we’re talking about toxic behaviours".
He also points out that while support is often given to those on the receiving end of a ‘toxic relationship’, there are also ways to help those who may be the instigators of negative behaviours.
Recognising what may be triggering your thought process or reasons why you feel the need for control is a great first step.
Hadley advises: “Maybe go to a therapist or counsellor, or go to Love Creep and look at some of the behaviours that are being exhibited and just do a bit of soul-searching.”
He also suggests talking to someone you trust. “Sometimes getting an outside perspective can be really useful.”
It’s never too late to introduce these tools into your relationship - in fact, Hadley says to start implementing them from day dot.
Have the conversations and build that trust right from the get-go.
If you’re not sure where to start when it comes to fostering safe, equal, and positive relationships, you can check out more from Hadley and the Love Better team HERE.
