Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has taken a long hard look in the mirror after one year in office and has unashamedly judged his Government a roaring success.
The flat-to-the floor Luxon stopped ever so briefly to not just catch his breath, but to get his seven strong taxpayer funded social media team to carefully craft a cringeworthy script which he must read out with as much sincerity as possible, as a way of celebrating 12 glorious months in office.
Obviously so much has happened this past year, PM Chris struggles to fit it all in but, hey, I'm more than happy to fill in the many gaps he and his social media staff overlooked.
Firstly though, let's revel in the magic of a nation that has come back from the brink in such a short time under the mesmerising leadership of the Right Honourable Christopher Luxon - who in just a few short words on a cold winter's morning reminded us how successful he was compared to the rest of us when he said: "I get it I'm wealthy, I'm sorted, right?".
Here's the video...
Ok.. what utter selective nonsense.
He forgets under his leadership - record levels of people have left NZ for Australia. In the year to date it's over seventy thousand. Our worst ever numbers.
How could he overlook that?
In that time NZ has still grown due to unchecked immigration and we have little idea who arrived an what skills they have. India has topped the numbers of arrivals for the first time in our history.
Unemployment has risen in Luxon's time in office to 4.8 percent and it’s expected to go higher to 5.2 percent and maybe beyond that. How would he overlook jobs?
And more people have faced sanctions for breaching welfare rules.
More people are on benefits now than when he took office. Bummer.
Businesses report this year as being the toughest to do business in in 30 years of trading. 37% of all retailers think they won't make it into next year.
Luxon says we are safer on the streets yet Auckland Transport is spending close to $1m fortifying their drivers behind heavy duty plastic cages as violence gets worse on Auckland streets.
Violent criminals still get home detention and big discounts in the justice system.
Gang patches have been banned. Arrests made for breaching them - crime has remained the same.
One elderly Hamilton lady with cerebral palsy and in a wheelchair was awoken by a 4am home invasion and rang police who were too busy to come despite the man stepping into her lounge as she sat in her wheelchair telling him to leave. They arrived 3 days later, but only to apologise.
Luxon says we are safer but a Newmarket security guard was stabbed in broad daylight last week.
Our NCEA education system is regarded as a joke and needs replacing.
Our health system is widely seen as broken. We have a hiring freeze on to save money, so doctors and nurses remain trained but not hired.
More than 7000 people have lost their jobs in the public service. More job losses are to come.
Our nurses, doctors and teachers all get paid double in Australia and many have gone. In the hundreds.
Dunedin's new hospital build has been put on hold due to National saying it's going to cost too much. Locals marched in the street saying National had lied to them.
The Inter-islander ferry replacements were cancelled due to costing us too much. It's cost tens of millions to cancel the contract. Shortly after, a ferry grounded itself in the Marlborough Sounds.
Another 1000 jobs are likely to be lost at Health NZ, otherwise known as Te Whatu Ora.
There is a GP funding crisis and it's becoming tough to now see your local doctor. It means hospitals are overloaded.
Schools will not all have maths teachers to start next year.
One charter school has been given approval.
Kainga Ora homes to be built have been frozen due to cost blowouts.
The $16.7b health investment Luxon talks about is the same as what every Government does in every budget cycle which is then adjusted for inflation and new policy announcements. He forgets to mention the $45b we spend on welfare and pensions every year.
The tax cuts have done nothing to stimulate economic growth and indeed Treasury says the outlook is now worse than it was at the start of the year. Most people got less than 20 dollars a week. Council rates went up in some places by 20 percent. Power prices have been at their highest this year compared to any other time in our history and spot prices have seen businesses collapse and jobs lost.
The Auckland petrol tax came off. People still feel poor. And no one can say if the money collected eased congestion anywhere.
Our school students continue to slip in all the international data and truancy remains a major issue.
Funding has been cut to a number of crucial community programmes like Bill Graham's boxing academy in Naenae which had a 97% success rate.
40,000 people marched on Parliament claiming Luxon and his henchmen are racist bastards for wanting to change the meaning of the Treaty. Luxon allowed the debate but now says there is nothing good about the bill. Rather than kill it, he is allowing Seymour to have six months of public consultation. The country looks divided.
We have a new police commissioner and new CBD hub and more cops on the beat in Auckland city but there are now fewer cops in South Auckland.
The old Police Commissioner is kept on on 700k in a job for life, despite the Government not wanting his services.
The gang patch ban has not yet bought down crime rates and is not expected to.
Interest rates are falling faster because there is no life in the economy, it is that dead!
Luxon has personally sold property and made hundreds of thousands of dollars tax free while cleaners go to work in South Auckland and get taxed on every dollar and continue to live in rentals.
Record high power prices have seen saw mills close and hundreds lose their jobs.
NZ failed to secure a free trade deal with India.
He kept on Minister, Andrew Bayly, who called a worker a loser for staying late.
Luxon watched as the NZ media disintegrated and offered no solutions. His Minister was so useless he sacked her for being more useless than he is.
He paid back $13k of a 50k housing allowance he claimed for living in his own freehold apartment, it was poor judgement but not illegal.
The new cancer record spend on cancer drugs came late and only after he forgot to include them in the budget.
Nothing yet built under the new fast track law.
Maybe some mining will go ahead.
Oil and gas ban is lifted - no new activity.
The cell phone ban in schools widely regarded as working, but Aussie has gone one step further and banned social media for under 16 year olds. Luxon can't decide what to do or who to follow on this...
Ambulances say they need more money and wait times are getting longer.
Congestion in Auckland is worse than ever due to immigration settings which allowed everyone in rather than the people in we needed.
Our tourism numbers have not returned and remain 30 percent down on pre-covid arrivals.
The minimum wage increase was the smallest in 5 years.
Auckland's trains will be out action for 90 days next year.
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